zondag 27 april 2014

What does it mean to be a Dom/Domme?

Some people seem to think that a Dom/Domme is different than the rest of the world, but from my point of view I don´t think it´s really that different. There is no secret handshake and we don´t sleep upside down! Also this illusion of having to behave in a certain way because you´re a Dom/Domme is just silly! There aren´t any rules you have to stick to as a Dom/Domme, well of course the rules that count for us all but not that you can´t date your sub or watch cartoons. It´s your life, do with it what you want!

How do you know that you´re a Dom/Domme? It´s not something that you figure out just like that, I mean you might have a dominant vibe around you but you don´t become a Dom/Domme just out of the blue. Especially when you´re new to BDSM it´s not strange to learn from people that actually do have experience in BDSM, so don´t feel weird to ask questions or just learn from others! But you usually know if you´re a Dom/Domme, it´s a feeling that can´t be mistaken for something else. Still there is something I have to add to that, just because you feel like you´re a Dom/Domme it doesn´t make you one! Of course you can call yourself whatever you want, but it doesn´t automaticly make it so!

One Dom/Domme isn´t the other, which means that every person is unique and for a Dom/Domme that means that if you know one it doesn´t mean you know all! It´s easy to describe a Dom/Domme in a certain way, but there are plenty of Doms/Dommes that aren´t your typical Dom/Domme. Some might not even have thigh high boots or use a whip, it´s not like you get a package in the mail with all the basic needs a Dom/Domme should have. You create your own dominant presence, you make the rules and that should create a unique Dom/Domme.

Of course I can only speak from my own experience, maybe it´s different for other Doms/Dommes but I do think that we all have our own way of handling things. Which is good, because if we would all do things the exact same way then things would get boring real fast! Being a Dom/Domme can mean many things, for some power and for others control. Maybe even a bit of both! The most important part is that you´re comfortable in your life, you are who you are and there is no shame in being a Dom/Domme!

zaterdag 26 april 2014

Using your fetish against you....

This might seem weird but sometimes people can be quite crafty when it comes to getting into someones head, which is why it´s usually a good idea not to share too much information about yourself to complete strangers. Especially something as a fetish that is very important to you or that can greatly influence you. For example if you go horny for thigh high boots then someone can use that against you or if someone is a reall scumbag he or she can blackmail you with that. Eventhough thigh high boots aren´t something to be ashamed for, because they look nice!

Instead of just putting all your fetishes out in the open you might want to think before you do something like that, because you don´t want the wrong people to know about the things that make you horny. Sometimes it´s not a big secret, I mean if you can´t even look at something then someone else will pick up on that sooner or later. So if you want to keep something a secret then you´ll have to be careful, but not too careful of course because then you´ll still be giving away hints about that thing that interests you.

It´s of course easy and sometimes helpful to be open about your fetishes, this way you´re more likely to find other people that have similar interests. But I don´t think it´s a good idea to tell everything about yourself right away, there should be something people can learn about you or discover. That keeps things interesting! It´s quite similar when people post nude pictures of themself, when you put something like that in the open then what is there left for someone imagination? Maybe some people like that, personally I find it a sad cry for attention. I think someone in a fetish outfit is ten times more sexy than someone that is nude!

But if you don´t want to be too much of a mystery then you can always reveal some of your fetishes, for example something that is quite common and even accepted by a lot of people. But then again who really knows what people accept and what people don´t accept. Is latex acceptable? I don´t really care, because I like it and I wear it. I love to see latex on other people and I don´t make a secret of that. So someone could wear latex and try to drive me crazy with it, maybe that will work and maybe it won´t. But you should do something and wear something because you like it, not just to please someone else. Of course there is nothing wrong with pleasing someone else, just don´t make someone elses fetish your fetish when you´re absolutely not interested in it.

maandag 21 april 2014

Boots vs feet

You might think that someone that likes boots probably also likes feet but that´s not true, at least not for everyone. For some that means that they wear boots all the time, even sleep in them. Especially people that are disgusted by the sight of feet seem to have a stronger fixation on wearing boots or shoes for that matter. But are feet really disgusting?

I don´t really have a problem with feet, but to be honest I prefer boots over feet. That probably sounds weird but it´s just my personal opinion, I prefer the sight of boots than feet. Especially shiny boots, but that´s a whole different fetish for me! But it´s not just that, I love the feeling of wearing boots and touching boots. It´s something that I don´t have with bare feet. Of course there are people that do love feet, so much that they´ll worship feet and treat feet as something special. Which is not that different from boot worship, but feet feel a bit more real!

Something that can be quite disgusting is when someone has dirty feet, that´s just not attractive at all and I don´t think there are people interested in that. But the strange thing is that some people do get horny when they see dirty boots, some people with a boot fetish have this uncontrollable urge to lick them clean. Something I don´t see a lot in the foot fetish community, but maybe that´s just a better kept secret?

Another thing that works better with boots is that you can wear other types of boots, feet are a bit attached to someone so you can´t really do much about that. Of course you can decorate your feet with nail polish, to name something, but it doesn´t really give you that many options. But with boots you can wear whatever you like, there are so many types of boots to choose from!

What works well for me is that boots also symbolize power, when I wear thigh high boots I feel in control and I´m not saying that I need to wear those to feel like a Domme but they do give me a good feeling. Especially people that aren´t that tall love boots to add some extra inches to their height, but it´s not that you need boots to feel more like a Dom/Domme! I love to wear boots because they feel and look good. But what´s probably one of the best things about boots is that you can take them off after a long day and just enjoy a nice foot rub!

zaterdag 19 april 2014

Fantasizing about someone else during sex!

Maybe you´re the innocent type that finds this offensive, but actually this happens more often than you think! People just don´t mention this, with good reason, to their partner. Which makes sense because I think it would be painful if your partner has to fantasize about someone else during sex to get turned on. But I´d say if this happens a lot then you should talk about it, because there is only that much fantasy can do for you. Sooner or later you´ll have to deal with the fact that you´re not attracted to your partner anymore.

I think we´ve all done it at least once, fantasizing about someone else during sex isn´t a bad thing but I wouldn´t make a habit out of it. But maybe if you´re not really in the mood for sex and your partner is then maybe it helps if you fantasize a bit, it´s a great way to spice things up a bit. Of course roleplay helps even more, but that means that you´ll have to talk about a sexual fantasy with your partner and not everyone is always that open about those things. But it´s not a bad idea to talk about it, just try to be delicate about these things because you don´t want to give your partner the idea that he or she isn´t attractive or that you´re not attracted to him or her anymore. That´s something you want to avoid at all costs!

If fantasizing about other people becomes a frequent thing during sex then you might want to talk to your partner, because as much as it might seem harmless it´s of course not a good thing if you constantly do that. Maybe some people aren´t offended by that, but I don´t think people would like it if you think of someone else while having sex with them. For some it can be a sensitive subject and others couldn´t care less, it really depends on the person but I do think that in a serious relationship people wouldn´t appreciate that.

But what if your boyfriend or husband has erection problems? Well I don´t think fantasizing about other people will make that go away but if you think that it will help then you can always try it. But I don´t think it will make things better for the relationship, because I think you´ll feel worse when he´ll get erections while fantasizing about other people. That might give you the idea that he´s no longer attracted to you, which doesn´t really come as a suprise to me. But if it does work for you and it doesn´t bother your partner then it might not be a bad idea, just be careful with such things because it can get ugly if you´re not careful!

woensdag 9 april 2014

Leash or no leash?

I´ve heard from several Doms/Dommes that they sometimes find it difficult to take their sub out with a leash. It draws attention to you and your sub and it´s often not positive attention, but for the Doms/Dommes and of course subs that don´t like that type of attention it can be difficult to use a leash outside. A collar can be hidden, depending on what type of collar, but when you take your sub out with a leash then people can clearly see what you´re doing. So don´t be suprised if judgement and stares come along with that, which makes it not something for everyone.

I think it goes without saying but the opinions of strangers don´t really matter, because if you and your sub are having a good time doing what you do then who cares what other people think! Of course that´s easily said than done, which means that outside you might feel uncomfortable using a leash on your sub and maybe your sub isn´t that comfortable with that either. So does that mean that you stay inside? Some people keep their fetish lifestyle a secret from others, it´s all behind locked doors and that´s quite alright. Personally I find that a shame though, because sometimes I do feel like I´m the only one who´s interested in a kinky lifestyle. Because so many people walk around in their casual clothes and not their fetish clothes, which once again makes sense but it´s a shame because it´s a good way to meet people who like the same stuff as you.

How do you go from inside domination to outside domination? Usually with small steps, if you´re uncomfortable with this then you might want to start small instead of going crazy. A collar is a good way to start, but if that´s too much then use body language to make clear who the dominant one is. You walk up front and your sub walks behind you or your sub asks you for permission to do something, these seem like something small but it´s still dominating your sub. At the same time you´re getting slowly comfortable of dominating out in the open, sure it´s not that clear to others as when you walk around with your sub on a leash but I do think it´s a good way to start!

If people do decide to annoy you or taunt you, then it´s best to ignore them. Those that don´t understand you often don´t want to understand you, so anything you say to these people is often a waste of time. Don´t let that ruin your day or what you want to do, because if you want to go out with your sub on a leash then that´s your business and none of theirs!

zaterdag 5 april 2014

Lashing out at your sub

I know that some Doms/Dommes call themselves god or goddess but in the end we´re all humans. We have good days and we have bad days, on bad days frustration can sometimes push you to some bad behaviour. It´s easy to lash out at subs, but a professional Dom/Domme shouldn´t do such a thing. Well no Dom/Domme should do such a thing!

But isn´t BDSM a way of lashing out? I think if you see it like that then you´re not really getting it, because if BDSM was just a way of getting rid of your frustration then that would be a sad thing. It seems easy to just lash out, you´ll feel better for a moment and your sub might not even mind. But it´s wrong, that shouldn´t be your motivation to dominate! If you have a bad day then you might want to think about going through with your session, if you do decide to keep going then try to stay calm and don´t let your frustration get the best of you. I´d always recommend to keep personal affairs out of a session with a sub, especially when you´re a professionale Dom/Domme!

When you´re in a relationship with a Dom/Domme or sub then it´s not a suprise that you can get in a fight, but once again try to keep personal drama out of a session. It´s better to talk about things than reacting like a child and holding a grudge, maybe it feels good for a moment but this isn´t how a Dom/Domme should behave! If you want to be respected then it´s important that you give others respect. It seems simple but I´ve seen this go wrong multiple times.

So what can you do against this? Have some clear rules, these rules should protect you and your sub. This way you keep personal drama out of the sessions and have a good and fun experience for you both! Once again this seems simple, but it´s important that you´re both clear about this. Just pretending you´re ok with something is a good root for frustration, which is something you might want to avoid. If you have anger issues then you might want to think about being a Dom/Domme, because if the slightest thing can set you off then it might create an unwanted situation during a session. But talking about these things help, communication is important in a D/s relationship.