vrijdag 30 mei 2014

A Dom/Domme is only interested in an experienced sub?

Especially people that are new to BDSM are curious about this, but it makes sense that someone would want to know. Some people don´t care if they´re refused but to others it can be quite harmful if a Dom/Domme isn´t interested in him or her because he or she isn´t an experienced sub. Which makes sense I guess, but I find it silly that a Dom/Domme would respond like that. Because if you never give someone a chance then how will he or she ever learn?

Nobody was born as an all knowing and experienced Dom/Domme or sub, we all started somewhere. Some people seem to forget that and can act a bit like a snob towards people who are not as experienced, of course it´s their decision and nobody can force a Dom/Domme to accept a sub but it´s nice if you´re willing to help and guide someone. That doesn´t mean that you have to accept someone, but instead of ignoring someone you can at least point them in the right direction.

Some Doms/Dommes even prefer an inexperienced sub, but I don´t think you should count on that. Some don´t mind but usually a Dom/Domme would prefer an experienced sub, but I wouldn´t give up just like that! Because there are several Doms/Dommes willing to teach or explain things to those that are willing to learn and listen. It´s a good idea to be honest about being inexperienced, even when you think that it might damage your D/s relationship because honesty is important!

I don´t speak for every Dom/Domme but I do think that there are a lot of friendly Doms/Dommes out there and it wouldn´t suprise me if there are people out there that are willing to help. I don´t say that someone that is willing to help you understand will also accept you as a sub. But the more you learn the better your chances are on finding a Dom/Domme for you!

Does it matter how you look? I´d love to say that looks don´t matter but that would be a lie, for some people it´s important and others don´t find it important. If you think your looks will influence your succes to be accepted as a sub then try something new, for example try a new look or spice things up a bit. But above everything just be yourself, don´t pretend to be someone or something you´re not! If a Dom/Domme can´t accept your for who you are then that Dom/Domme isn´t worth your time!

zaterdag 24 mei 2014

A Dom/Domme can´t be nice?

A lot of vanilla people seem to be under the impression that a Dom/Domme must be a horrible person, purely based on their vision of BDSM. I know that this is often based on how they look at BDSM without actually knowing much about it. But isn´t that how it is with so many things in life? People already have an opinion which is often based on prejudice instead of actual facts. So it´s no suprise to me that some people are quick to judge others purely based on what they do and without actually getting to know them first.

So a Dom/Domme can be nice? Of course! Did you really think a Dom/Domme is evil? That you must be a miserably wretch if you want to be considered as a Dom/Domme? Of course not! There is no need to be rude, especially if someone wants to learn about BDSM then it doesn´t help if you´re being a twat. Maybe some people want to be treated badly by their Dom/Domme, but I don´t see it as a standard and I definately don´t encourage stupid behaviour!

What about Doms/Dommes that aren´t nice, they´re not good Doms/Dommes? One person isn´t the other, if one sees the need to be unfriendly then so be it. I wouldn´t appreciate such behaviour and definately not welcome it, but sometimes subs look for this type of behaviour in a Dom/Domme. Maybe you find this weird and in a way it is, because domination doesn´t mean being rude or unfriendly. You don´t dominate someone by being mean, but it wouldn´t suprise me if that works for some Doms/Dommes. What one person finds strange the other might consider to be acceptable.

Often when someone treats a Dom/Domme with respect then I don´t see why he or she wouldn´t be nice to you or at least shows you respect in return. But as I mentioned before, we all have our own way and one person isn´t the other. So don´t always expect that kindness and respect is answered with the same type of kindness and respect. Eventhough some people might be unfriendly at least they´re being honest, so if you don´t like that then at least you know. I´d say you´d prefer that then when someone pretends to be nice and eventually suprises you with their unfriendly behaviour. Kindness isn´t always greeted with kindness, but don´t let that discourage you for being kind to others! Also just be yourself, you don´t have to pretend to be someone you´re not. There is nothing wrong with a friendly and helpful Dom/Domme!

zondag 18 mei 2014

When you can´t respect your Dom/Domme....

It might seem unthinkable to some people but it happens, a sub that can´t respect his or her Dom/Domme. There can be several reasons why this happened, which don´t even have to be the fault of someone. Sometimes people just change, still it´s harsh to suddenly out of nowhere decide to drop your Dom/Domme without giving any reason. The same counts for Doms/Dommes that drop their sub for no reason, you might think that this is acceptable but in fact it´s not!

Some subs have trouble respecting a Dom/Domme that is dumb, which is pretty harsh and unfair because judging someone for his or her intelligence is a low blow! Some people are smarter than others and sometimes people are just not that smart, but that doesn´t make them awful or gives you the right to disrespect them! If a Dom/Domme has always treated you with respect then why would you disrespect him or her just because he or she isn´t that smart? Maybe you´re smart and you find it difficult to worship someone that isn´t as smart as you, but then again maybe you´re just not cut out to be a sub....

A sub that doesn´t respects his or her Dom/Domme is the worst? I wouldn´t go that far, sometimes a Dom/Domme can be annoying or act in such a way that it becomes difficult for the sub to respect that person. Respect is something you earn, not that is automaticly given. Especially a Dom/Domme that just calls himself or herself a Dom/Domme without knowing what that actually means might find it difficult to get respect from others. Ignorance isn´t a crime, but pretending to know things while you clearly don´t know much is just foolish!

Sometimes the blame is on both sides, some people just don´t fit well with eachother and then it´s better to part ways. Don´t force yourself in a situation where no good comes from, you don´t do yourself nor the other a favour with that! It´s not a crime to be disrespectful, but some will take it badly and sometimes that´s not so strange. When there are troubles in a D/s relationship then talk about it, if something troubles you then mention it. It´s easy to hide feelings or doubts about something, but it´s better to talk about these things. If you still find it difficult to respect your Dom/Domme then maybe it´s better to part ways, perhaps there is someone else out there for you or maybe you´re just not cut out to be a sub. Life is a journey where you learn along the way, don´t get stuck on the first obstacle!

zaterdag 10 mei 2014

It´s all about sex?

Maybe it´s just me but I get the feeling that more and more people seem to be interested in sex than BDSM. Even on websites about BDSM it seems the main topic is sex. It usually starts subtle with people looking for other people but it often comes down to people that look other people for sex. But it doesn´t stop there, people want to know how many times you´ve had sex and what your most kinky spot was to have sex. So I guess it is all about sex....

Of course there´s nothing wrong with sex, but I think there is a time and a place to talk about such things. I don´t think that the first post in a group for BDSM is that place! Sex is important in a relationship but it shouldn´t be the first thing you talk about when you meet someone, especially when the other person is a stranger. Which is why I´m a bit suprised how open and honest (assuming that people tell the truth) people are in such topics. Maybe it´s a cry for attention and it could also be a way of finding other people, but I don´t think that this is the best way to do so. There are far more subtle ways of getting the attention of someone without having to talk about sex.

So when should you start talking about sex? Well that´s up to you, I mean there isn´t really a rule for that and I don´t think you can make a rule for that. But I don´t think it´s something you talk about when you hardly know someone. Unfortunately people are often more obnoxious online and that usually means less civilized behaviour. When I want to get to know someone then sex isn´t really a topic I talk about, because it´s not something that I´d be interested in talking about when I don´t know someone that well. Wouldn´t you first want to know the favourite movie of someone or what his or her job is? That seems to be a bit more interesting and it´s less invasive, because talking about sex with someone you barely know could be considered as rude and might have a negative effect on the conversation. If you really want to bring it up then I would really suggest to wait with that, because it´s not something everyone feels like talking about with someone they don´t know. Maybe there are exceptions but most people are often not that open about their sex life!

If there is a mutual attraction then the subject will come up sooner or later, but once again I wouldn´t rush things. People that have to talk about sex already in the first ten minutes of a conversation usually sound like a desperate case, even when you´re not some people might take you for one. I don´t think you want to be seen as a desperate case and even if you´re one I doubt you want to be seen as one, so take your time and talk about other things. Show some interest by asking about what they like or what they do, try to be original with your questions and you might actually get the attention of someone. That´s hardly ever a bad thing!

donderdag 8 mei 2014

How do you know your sub is sincere?

It would be nice if you could have a detector that would recognize sincere behaviour and when someone is lying to you. I think most people like to get compliments or positive reactions, but what if someone only telling you these things for a reason? I don´t think it takes a genius to recognize people that are just trying to get closer to you with compliments, which isn´t always meant with bad intentions but I don´t think that someone needs to give compliments to be nice to someone. But it´s nice when someone gives you a compliment, it´s not something you should find suspecious just like that!

So what is suspecious behaviour? I don´t think I have to mention this but in case you´re having doubts then I don´t mind point out some things I´d consider as suspecious. When someone constantly agrees with you and likes everything you like then I find that odd, because as much as people can have things in common I doubt that people always agree with you and have exactly the same interests as you. Another thing I find strange is when people constantly have to mention how pretty you are or how wonderful you are, even when it´s just a compliment it´s weird when someone tells you this all the time. There is nothing wrong with a compliment, but don´t go crazy with compliments because that can have a negative effect on people!

As a sub you want to please your Dom/Domme and there is nothing wrong with that, but don´t go crazy when it comes to pleasing. It doesn´t mean you have to agree with everything or tell every five minutes how wonderful your Dom/Domme is. Maybe you want to let your Dom/Domme know that you have feelings for him or her. It´s smart to talk with your Dom/Domme about that, instead of constantly complimenting him or her. I think it´s better to be clear about something than to constantly evade what you really mean or want, because it can be confusing or just irritating to the other. Also if you disagree with someone or you have doubts about something, then be clear about that instead of pretending to be fine with something. In a D/s relationship honesty is very important!

If you do have doubts about your sub or Dom/Domme for that matter, then I would suggest to talk to him or her, maybe there is just a misunderstanding and I wouldn´t suggest to take any actions without first making certain that you´re correct about something you find suspecious. No matter how well someone lies, sooner or later the truth will always reach the surface! Of course it´s a shame if you´ve wasted weeks, months or maybe even years on someone that lied to you. So if you have doubts, questions or even just a feeling that there is something that bothers you then talk about it!

dinsdag 6 mei 2014

When it gets too hot for boots....

It´s Spring and Summer is on the way! This usually means warm temperatures and sweaty situations for everyone with a love for wearing latex or leather. So it´s not a bad idea to wear something else, but what if you have to wear latex or leather at least once a day?

If you´re like me and you prefer to wear latex and leather as much as you can then that means you´re in for some rough times when it gets warmer. Maybe for some people it´s actually quite nice to be in a sweaty outfit, but I don´t think that this counts for everyone. The worst part for anyone with a boot fetish must be the time of the year where it´s too hot to wear boots. But maybe it´s the same thing with some latex and leather lovers, sweaty feet in boots are a big turn on for some people. I find it rather disgusting, I´m not a big fan of sweat and that´s why things get a bit unbearable for me when it´s hot outside and inside.

Wearing boots feels nice and anyone with a boot fetish will probably want to wear them at least once a day, but if you´re just like me and don´t like to drown your feet in sweat then it might be difficult to wear boots when it´s warm. Unless you wear special boots that let your feet breath so you don´t sweat as much as you normally would. But are those boots still from the material that turns you on? Well some of them are, but leather boots aren´t really known for letting your feet breath. Which means it´s warm for your feet to wear leather boots and that might make it unpleasant to wear them on a warm day.

Whenever I go horseback riding I wear riding boots, they´re made out of leather and they´re pretty tight around my feet and legs. This means that my feet get a bit sweaty and that´s not very pleasant, but this shouldn´t stand in the way for someone with a boot fetish. So the same counts for me wearing leather boots on a hot day, it might not always be pleasant for my feet but I still love wearing boots. I don´t want to deny myself from wearing boots just because it´s warm. Of course I won´t be wearing them all day and probably avoid walking around too much in them, this keeps things cool and pleasant for me. Boots are great and it´s a shame if you deny yourself such pleasure, sometimes you just have to find a way and that makes it worth even in the unpleasant moments!

zondag 4 mei 2014

When you can´t follow someone in his or her fetish

We all have a fetish, I´d say most of us probably more than one. Sometimes a fetish can be considered as weird or wrong, but what one person might consider weird or wrong the other might consider as normal or acceptable. So don´t be suprised if you meet someone that has a fetish that you don´t like and something you don´t want to get involved with.

So how do you deal with that? Well the best thing you can do is be honest, don´t do something you don´t want to or something you consider as wrong. Because it´s better to be honest about these things, the longer you pretend the more you´ll dislike it and that could cause friction in a relationship. But it´s not nice to call someone weird because you don´t like his or her fetish, instead you could talk about his or her fetish and find some common ground. For example a guy that is into strap ons and his girlfriend doesn´t like wearing one, then his girlfriend could use something else to still give him his anal pleasure.

Can an uncommon fetish cause trouble in a relationship? It´s possible, but I would assume something in advance just like that. Unless you know that your fetish isn´t accepted by a lot of people, then it´s safe to assume that someone might not like it. So do you tell your partner about it? If it´s really something disturbing or weird then you might want to keep it to yourself, especially when you know your partner isn´t into something like that. But in a good relationship you can tell your partner a lot, there is no shame in a relationship where you love and respect eachother.

I would really advice to find something else if your partner isn´t interested in your fetish, maybe there is something else you like or something similar? Just talk with your partner and hopefully you can find something you can both enjoy. There are no guarantees though, which means revealing a certain fetish might cause problems in a relationship. But it´s better to be honest about something you consider important than to live a lie and pretend everything is good when it´s clearly not. Besides wouldn´t it be better to spend your time with someone that has the same fetish as you or has an interest in your fetish? That´s not a requirement for a relationship, but it will definately help make a relationship stronger and intenser!

zaterdag 3 mei 2014

Horny during a session

In the heat of the moment, during a session, it´s easy to forget about rules and sometimes rules are broken. It wouldn´t be the first time for a Dom/Domme to give in to temptation and I think it happens more than you think. But it´s wrong to assume that it will happen during a session, because a professional Dom/Domme usually keeps things under control. But in the end we´re only people, we have feelings and emotions too. So getting horny during a session is nothing new, but how to handle that isn´t always easy for everyone!

A lot of Doms/Dommes have clear rules, but when things become confusing then it´s good to remind yourself of the rules you made. Are you willing to break your own rules or are you going to stick to those rules? I know temptation and I know that it´s hard to resist sometimes. For example a sub in a latex catsuit is very sexy, but as much as that latex body is rubbing against mine I´m not going to give in. I´d be going against my own rules and if I break my own rules then how can I expect other to follow them? That doesn´t mean that I´m not horny, but I choose not to give in to temptation.

Sometimes these feelings are just in the heat of the moment, afterwards you might not feel that way anymore. Which another reason why I would suggest to think before you act on a feeling, if you have a good thing going with your sub then you don´t want to ruin that by giving to a feeling you get for just a moment. That´s not love, that seems more like lust to me. Not that there is anything wrong with lust, but I don´t think it´s worth risking a good D/s relationship. I´m not saying that having sex with your sub ruins everything, but as a professional Dom/Domme it´s frowned upon to do so. But if you choose to be in a relationship with this person, then that changes things of course.

When the temptation becomes too big for you then it might be a good idea to take a break, but it also helps if you talk with your sub about it. This might be embarrassing to admit to your sub but I doubt that he or she will make fun of you. Maybe there are mutual feelings and who knows where that may lead to? Just be certain that these feelings are feelings of love and not lust, because lust comes and goes while love stays. Don´t be suprised if it´s just the heat of the moment, it happens to a lot of people and it´s nothing to be ashamed of. We´re only human and getting excited is just a way of your body telling you that you like something, there is nothing wrong with that!

donderdag 1 mei 2014

How do you use your whip?

I sometimes get questions about how you use a whip, because a lot of people are uncertain about using a whip on their sub or a Dom/Domme using a whip on him or her. Which is quite understandable if you don´t have a lot of experience in BDSM or if you never had any experience with a whip. The last thing you want to do is just try something, if you´re not careful you can seriously hurt someone and that could also be yourself. So don´t be an idiot and decide to just do something!

It´s not a bad idea to see the whip as an instrument, don´t see it as a weapon or a tool. You play an instrument with care and you let the instrument guide you. So in a way a whip is quite similar, because instead of just lashing out you should first feel the whip in your hand and make it a part of you. Which probably sounds a bit weird but I mean to say that it´s like making it feel more natural in your hand. Practice on a dummy or pillows and see how well your aim is and learn to feel the way a whip handles. At first it might be weird and maybe even scary, this is something you´ll just have to get through. The whip won´t bite you, but you can hurt yourself if you just wildly lash around! Which is why it´s a good idea you start with a small whip, starting with a bullwhip isn´t a good idea!

The first whip I used was a riding whip, which might seem weird but if it works on horses it also works on subs! It´s short and easy to use, so it shouldn´t be too difficult to use that. Don´t underestimate the whip though, because it can seriously hurt someone! Start with soft taps and then increase that with harder taps, up to the point where you can actually hear the impact of the whip. Once again practice makes perfect!

If you feel like something else you can also try a latex whip, which is softer but can still hurt when used correctly. It feels amazing on your skin and it´s a very intimate way of handling your sub if you both have a thing for latex. The bullwhip is really a whip for when you´re experienced with whips and even then it´s still tricky to use that whip correctly, once again start simple and then increase the lashing with force and speed.

Of course there is no rule that you have to use a whip when you´re a Dom/Domme, so don´t feel bad about not wanting to use a whip during a session. If you´re a sub and you don´t want your Dom/Domme to use a whip on you then you should really talk about that with your Dom/Domme, maybe he or she can help you get over the fear or you can talk about an alternative. Don´t be afraid to say that you don´t like something, it´s better to be honest in these situations!